Way back in July, back when the sun actually shone (we were mid heatwave to be precise when this blog was published) and the outside world wasn’t the dark, grey miserable abyss that it currently is, I made a promise to you badass bunch of readers. This promise was to hoist up my big girl pants, actually commit to training my flexibility and provide you all with an update on how the battle royale that is Foxen vs Flexibility was going. Now, I did initially state that I would post an update around Halloween, but in all honesty I forgot. Anyway, enough waffle, the current state of my quest for flexibility can be summarised in one sentence.
Shit the bed things are actually happening.
FUCKING HELL WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT I HAVE ACTUALLY NOTICED AN IMPROVEMENT IN MY FLEXIBILITY! Me, who was once about as flexible as a month dead, embalmed corpse is now officially about as flexible as a week dead, non embalmed corpse! It’s a bloody Christmas miracle people! Below are some progress shots, the ones in shorts were taken at the end of June and the pics taken in my swanky, red Off the Pole gear were taken on Sunday 2nd December.
As you can see, my front splits are almost there, my shit side and middle splits are ever so slightly progressing and I can now successfully lift myself into the world’s shittest bridge/crab pose. I still cannot yet touch my toes with my legs straight or bust out a cracking back bend, but hey ho Rome wasn’t built in a day. I can also now do a genuine, proper Pretzel spin too, a move that was once completely off limits for me with my Tinman shoulders! Yippee!
In terms of my current stretching programme, I do an all over stretch routine on average once a week, not twice as I promised, and I’m not going to lie this is solely due to how my knackering muggle life depletes my motivation. An average day in the life of Eilish consists of waking up at 7am to walk our pooches, working Dolly Parton style from 9am-5pm, a four mile run home from work followed by dog walk number two and cooking up a mammoth sized dinner. By the time dinner is eaten I am wiped out and ready for bed, so the urge to get the old yoga mat out and put my semi-conscious self through the pain of stretching is pretty much non existent (you can put your small violins down now). In order to muster up enough motivation to get my ass on the mat, I simply go for my evening shit and stalk bendy pole dancers on Instagram whilst doing so. I’m sorry bendy Wendy’s but if I have ever liked any of your flexy pics, chances are I have been sat on the crapper. Once I’m finished on the loo, I then feel light enough and inspired enough to get the old mat out and get bending.
Now I can see a shred of progress being made on the old flexy quest, I am determined to push on and see just what my body can achieve. In terms of my future 2019 bendy goals, I am going to up the game to twice a week stretching and attend at least one of the stretchy classes at the pole studio I train at. I’m currently tit deep in my overdraft, so once that is paid off the stretchy classes can commence!
It appears that round three of Foxen vs flexibility has gone considerably better than rounds one and two, thank fuck. If you’re on a flexy mission right now and fancy sharing your story, please drop it in the comments!