First off, I would like to dedicate this blog to all my fellow polers who, despite their most earnest of efforts, cannot fucking bend. For those of you who, like me, are in a constant battle with their hip flexors, lower and upper back and bastarding shoulders then this diatribe is for you.
The pole world is full of sexy, flexy ladies who can fold themselves over into some sort of acrobatic, pretzel looking extraordinaires and when you’re sat there with about as much bendiness in your body as potato, it can be a pretty disheartening experience. Your pole family will try to boost your confidence by saying “yes my back is bendy but my hip flexors are stiff” or “I can front split and back bend fine but my middle splits are terrible.” On behalf of all stiff sisters out there, thank you for trying to make us feel better about being as flexible as the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, but some of us just don’t bend.
This is an accurate representation of me trying to attempt any sort of flexibility training, let alone a flipping trick.
In fact I tell a lie, I have hyper mobility in my fingers. My fucking fingers. That’s a whole lot of use isn’t it? I can bend my little fingers back so far that my nail touches the back of my hand but the second I attempt to loosen up those hip flexors OOOOH NO! My body starts screaming in fear like the useless wimp that it is! What can you even do with your fingers that would look sexy in a pole routine?! (Don’t even go there actually)
Anyway, I have had just about enough of losing the flexibility battle and feeling like a twat about it. As of this week I am committing to stretching two to three times per week for at least an hour at a time in an attempt to conquer my muscles once and for all. I’ve got a loose aim of being able to sit in a full front split by Christmas (I’m convinced an oversplit can only be performed by people who are half human, half elastic band hybrids) and to sit nicely in a pancake stretch by then too. Watch this space for further rants about how I’m failing to do both and contemplating making a sacrifice to the gods in order to obtain my coveted, flexibility goals.