Ugh. I am stuck in a right, potato shaped rut at the moment. In the three and a half years that I have been pole dancing, there’s no denying that, as I have mentioned many times before, it’s done fucking wonders for my confidence. 24 year old Eilish, when she first gingerly stepped into a pole studio for the first time, shaking like a shitting dog, would never have dreamt that she would be able to enter competitions and perform in showcases wearing next to nothing. I’ve always got pole to thank for that don’t get me wrong, but my admiration and love for my actual body itself at the moment is plummeting down faster than the drop out of a Superman.
Now, I’m well aware that it’s toxic to compare yourself to others, and yes I know I have written a blog on the subject before now, but I’m not going to lie, I (wrongly) compare myself to other people, especially pole dancers, all the fucking time. Note to self, go back and read your own fucking advice you daft bint.
Basically, I have been trying to use social media in a more positive light in recent months. Instead of getting involved in tedious debates with trolls and the various assortment of cunts you find on the internet, or pointlessly stalking pricks from school to see if they’re less happy than I am, I’m instead using mainly Facebook and Instagram as sources of pole inspiration. I am flooding my newsfeeds with my favourite, badass dancers strutting their stuff and shaking their asses in their own, unique ways. Now, this new and improved method of using social media must be working somehow, as low and behold a miracle has taken place and I’m actually training flexibility now on a regular basis. It may only be once a week, but for 18 months it was zero times a week, so hey progress is somewhat happening I guess! Anyway I’ve digressed massively, what I’m trying to say is that despite this new-fangled method of social media use having a positive effect on me, it has left me feeling like a bowl of boring porridge.
I am no way body-shaming or complaining about the fabulous dancers I follow before anyone starts kicking off, because fuck me blind they all look amazing! They’re all training at what appears to be all hours of the day and all days of the week, nailing epic moves and combos and looking sensational in the process. I just wish I had the time and energy to train like they did! When I’m not pole dancing or blogging, my day job involves sitting on my butt for eight hours a day, five days a week in an office where I am frequently shovelling cakes, biscuits and various other snacks into my gob as if there’s a national shortage of the bastards. I can’t afford a gym membership right now as I’m trying to get some debts and shit paid off, so I try to squeeze in cardio by jogging home from work instead of catching the bus. Overall, I would just like my body to be less flimsy and defeatist at the moment and instead switch into beast mode and be capable of busting out some sick tricks and floorwork.
Now, I may not have a body that looks the way I would like it to or does the things I would like it to do either, but after a long hard chat with my partner and my buddies, I have come to the conclusion that sitting here stewing and feeling pissed off at my body isn’t going to help the matter. That’s a silly thing to do. I’m instead going to apply the old mantra of “loving your body for what it can do instead of hating it for what it doesn’t look like” malarkey. I haven’t posted any Sunday Bumdays in ages, and I think it’s time to get back on the bandwagon with those, as my one body part I do actually like is my ass. I’m also going to stop eating shitty food, not for weight loss purposes (society you will not condition me into thinking that my worth depends on a number on the scales you shit!) but purely because the sugar crashes also fuck up my mood, which is not conducive to a Foxen who is trying to build a body positive relationship with herself! Finally I’m going to keep up my running, stretching and pole practice, practise makes perfect after all!
So watch this space readers! I am on a mission to turn my body image around and feel confident in my own skin again. With any luck I’ll be posting naked splits selfies by Christmas!
If you have any tips for feeling body positive and would like to help a sister (or anyone else reading this blog) out, please drop them in the comments!