Let’s blow the back doors off 2019!

First off, happy fucking new year to all you lovely readers of Chrome Chronicles! We are now officially seven days into 2019 so lets pull up our pole shorts, grab our Dry Hands and blow the absolute back doors off this year.

Since my previous blog, I have put down the bottle of whiskey and Toblerone for now (so long old friends, I’ll see you again soon!) cleared my noggin a bit and sat down to create my 2019 pole goals. Obviously, in the spirit of Chrome Chronicles being a completely honest account of my adventures in the pole world – I thought I’d share my 2019 goals with you folk. So here goes!

Consistently conquer the absolute fuckhouses that are the Superman, Allegra, Stag and the biggest bastard of them all the Reverse Grab

YOU THREE UTTER BASTARD MOVES BETTER SHUT YOUR CURTAINS AND LOCK YOUR DOORS BECAUSE BEAST FOXEN IS COMING FOR YOU! I am well and truly fed up of these cunts getting the better of me every time I practice them so 2019 shall be the year that they get conquered for good. It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be frustrating as hell and a very long and painful process but I’m more determined than ever to get them nailed. Last Saturday, this most arduous of quests began, as I drilled both the Reverse Grab and Superman at our morning practice session. The reverse grab I didn’t get anywhere near conquering yet but the Superman, thanks to my homie Dannis and teacher Gem, who has a mightily impressive 100% success rate in teaching Superman (that’s the sort of help my uncoordinated, failing ass desperately needs) was the closest I came yet to getting into it from a Jasmine! I am dead chuffed with my progress, although it’s not came without feeling immense fucking pain in my thighs. Look at this monstrous bruise!

superman bruise

A rotten bastard table-top kick up

The tabe-top kick up is my new enemy in the pole world! I make a right tit of myself every time I attempt it. Seriously I always assume the correct position with the arms, get ready to make the kick up then just do some stupid little stuttery kick motion, lifting my feet all of about three inches off the floor before landing them back down again. After a few attempts at this, the final result is me feeling proper fed up with myself, grumpy and not wanting to practice the buggers anymore. Curse you table-top kick ups!

As much as they infuriate me, I know I will never improve at pole and smash through to the next level if I keep practicing the things I can do over and over again. So it’s time to put on my big girl pants and face the moves that frustrate, hurt and confuse me – that includes you table-top fuckhouse kick ups.

Shoulder Mount in heels – both sides!

Now, over the years I have grown to be quite fond of a good old Shoulder Mount. They no longer hurt and on a good day I can get up there relatively easily on both sides in my bare feet. However what I would really love to be able to do is bust out a perfect Shoulder Mount in my eight inch Pleasers and do some heel clacks and leg waves whilst I’m up there Cardi B style! My ability to Shoulder Mount in heels has been rather elusice towards the latter end of 2018, so its time to drill it on both sides at every practice session until it feels as natural as my morning poo.

Aerial Shoulder Mount on my good side

Oh mama now here’s a stonking great challenge of a move! I have attempted to Aerial Shoulder Mount on my good side a few times and I have got half way up at best, and whilst doing so it feels as though every organ and muscle between my ribcage and pelvis is trying it’s hardest to pop out via my belly button. How much strength one must have in order to Aerial Shoulder Mount is beyond me, but I’m going to give this one a bloody good go in 2019.

Aerial invert on my bad side

I’m almost there with this one! I can hoist myself into a tucked up position just about if I really try, it’s the tip back into a chopper that’s the hard part. I’d ideally love to be able to do Gemini climb overs all the way up to the top of the pole one of these days, and that ain’t going to happen if I don’t drill Aerial inverts on my bad side! Fuck me this pole dancing business is hard work.

Train one type of handstand every week

hand stand cat

Now, I have made no secret of the fact that handstands scare the absolute hell out of me. I think they’re awesome and impressive and what not but shit the bed the scare me to death. Well not anymore! At every practice session this year I shall commit to doing at least one type of handstand in order to slowly train myself to get used to the feeling of being up there and do Handstand February in it’s entirety instead of copping out half way through like I usually do. So far so good with this one, as at Saturday Practice I did a handstand in my beloved Cross Knee Release and a Scorpio handstand too. Wahey! I’ll get there with handstands one day!

Stretch twice a week


Oh the ongoing flexibility mission does not feel like any less of a mission. Due to having caught the plague, topped with parties, boozing and the general busy-ness of the month stretching took a bit of a back seat in December. I haven’t stretched yet this month (all being well I’ll get some done this evening) and I’m not looking forward to discovering how much I have morphed into the Tin Man over this period.

I don’t have any set flexibility goals as such for 2019 in terms of moves I would like to achieve. Well, I mean getting all three of the splits and a decent looking bridge/backbend would be cracking, but that’s quite the mountain to cimb! Therefore, I am just going to commit to stretching twice a week and seeing what happens, if I see dramatic improvement- great! If I see piddly slow improvement, at least I’m giving it a good college try.

Pole practice once a week

This one is a bit of a no-brainer. How in the name of fuck am I going to improve my pole abilities if I don’t get my ass to practice? I’m not is the answer. As much as I wish this was the case, compulsively stalking Beth Finlay, Michelle Shimmy, Maddie Sparkle, Svetlana Yurchak and my various other pole idols on Instagram and trying to ingest their abilities through my eyes is not going to result in any improvement. The only method for pole improvement that will actually work is good, old fashioned regular practice. So that’s what I’m going to attempt to do.

(If all goes hugely well) an Ayesha!

Lol. Now, this is the goal that I will work on if all the other goals on this list are completed and I have some sort of astronomical improvement in my strength, balance and all things pole related. Since my pervious blog about my struggles with an Ayesha, I haven’t come any closer to achieveing it, so I think it’s time I take it back a notch and work on the various strength exercises listed above before I attempt to fight the big boss of strength moves.

Well, that as a bit of a long one wasn’t it?! Well done for making it through my list of pole goals for 2019! If you have any goals for 2019 that you would like to share, feel free to drop them in the comments!

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