2018’S Pole goals review – did I smash it or fuck it?

I am currently sat here in quite frankly my finest fucking form. It is the 28th December, I do not have to return to work until Wednesday 2nd January, I am wearing yesterday’s comfies and my hair is at present scragged up on top of my bonce like some sort of Brussel Sprout (I had it dyed green earlier on in the month in case you are wondering where said Sprout reference came from). There’s a hefty sized Toblerone in the kitchen cupboard that I’m contemplating scoffing and I’m also debating pouring my first whiskey of the day. After all, it’s the glorious limbo period between Christmas and New Year, where none of us have any idea what day it is and day drinking is therefore totally acceptable in my book.

Anyway, seeing as I am obviously the most athletic I have been in 2018 at this very moment, I thought now might be a good time to re-visit the pole goals I made at the start of 2018 and see whether they have been smashed out of the park, semi achieved or fucked off completely. So without further ado, lets crack on with revisiting said goals.

Shoulder mount confidently on both sides.

Yas I actually managed this one! Depending on whether my period is due, how hungover/tired I am and the general state of my body determines how easily I get up there but, 9/10 times I attempt to Shoulder mount on both sides the move happens. Yay! This review ain’t off to a bad start.

Verdict: Smashed it.

Invert climb-overs to the top of the pole.

Lol, oh dear I fucked this one up completely. I can manage two invert climb overs but that’s it. Mark my words 2019 WILL be the year I can bust out an aerial invert on both sides! Hell if I can make it all the way to the top I will even attempt to leg switch all the way down.

Verdict: Fucked it.

Climb using my arms only 2/3 up the pole.

Oh shit I actually forgot all about this goal and didn’t even attempt it. It’s safe to say this strength mission may have been a bit too ambitious! Never mind, I’ll stick it on the 2019 list and have guns like a motherfucker in no time.

Verdict: Didn’t even attempt it.

Bastard, shitty Allegra.

2018 Allegra

Well, as you can see in the photo above from back in June where I appear to be sporting a foxey face, I have came the closest I have ever came to something resembling an Allegra. However since June I haven’t really practised it as it’s bloody painful and I’ve been a wimp about it insert Chicken noises here, therefore my Allegra achievement has sort of vanished. Bugger. This 2019 practice list is getting pretty long already.

Verdict: Smashed it but sort of fucked it again.

Bastard, shitty Superman.

2018 Superman

What happened with my arch nemesis of a trick is pretty much the exact same situation as the Allegra anecdote. I managed it back in March via my quite unsexy, shuffling technique and haven’t really been a good little pole egg and practised it at all since. I may probably be able to hold one for longer than a few seconds, but that’s about it. Oh bugger.

Verdict: Smashed it but sort of fucked it again.

Bastard, shitty Stag.

Foxen you have not only let yourself down but also your family, every pole dancer who has ever lived and your ancestors at the rate you’re going. The Stag wasn’t even practised once in 2018 I don’t think. Seriously what was the actual point in even adding this one to the list if you were not even going to give it one measly attempt? Right, time to firmly hoist up your big girl pants and actually face your pole fears in 2019. Grow ovaries of steel woman!

Verdict: Lol, also didn’t even attempt it.

Good side splits.

2018 split

Ah-ha I am actually fucking getting somewhere with this one! Finally a resolution that isn’t a complete fail. IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! I am gradually working stretching into my training schedule and this has had some impact on my good side splits as you can see from November’s picture above. At least some form of pole dancey progression has taken place this year! Maybe I’m only a mini fail after all.

Verdict: Getting there!

Stretch twice a week once I have completed my college course.

After conquering the mighty cunt of a demon that was my NVQ Level 3 Apprenticeship in Business Administration (I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling overjoyed about that prick of a qualification being completed), I have, on average (I may be being a tad generous here) managed to get one 45-55 minute stretching session in a week, provided that various other life commitments haven’t got in the way. Now, I’m well aware that I need to be stretching at least twice a week in order to become even moderately bendy, so it’s time to up the stretching game next year. Also, it goes without saying that an increase in my flexibility will help me conquer those beasts the Allegra and Stag, so I guess it’s time to dust off the yoga mat on a more regular basis.

Verdict: Halfway there!

If you had any pole goals for 2018 that you smashed, conveniently forgot or valiantly attempted, drop them in the comments!

Update: I did indeed crack open the Toblerone.

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