The perils of summer poling

Right, in before any of you lot accuse me of being a miserable fucker, I do enjoy the summer, honest! I mean it’s not my favourite season (autumn bitches get at me) but I don’t passionately loathe the summer and the stonking temperatures that come with it, within reason. I’m a painfully pasty lass from the UK with Irish heritige, so I am not built for heat above 26 degrees and get burnt just looking at a holiday brochure, but I endeavour to relish the best bits of the season, all be it in factor 450.

Anyway, for all it’s joys and perks, there’s no denying that trying to pole dance in the height of summer is a fucking challenge of biblical proportions. You’re sweaty, shattered and the studio is as hot as the seventh circle of hell. Therefore as the season draws to a close, I have listed some of the biggest nightmares that come with the territory that is pole dance training in the summer.

Being sweaty and slipping about all over the place

Oh fucking hell of all hells this is the worst. If you’re a sweaty betty like me your palms will resemble a bloody hot springs from April to September and feeling as though you have a sturdy, secure grip will be nigh on impossible. This summer has been particularly tough for me as I ran out of Dry Hands in May and ever since then have made do with some shitty chalk thing which let me tell you now does not do the job!

And it’s not even the palms of the hands you need to worry about. My thighs and backs of my knees are sweating like madness too. In the UK in July we reached record breaking temperatures (yeah global warming is pretty worrying), I had class on that day and let me tell you the back of my knees were like a pair of ponds. Ugh, being a sweaty betty with no adequate grip aids is a near enough torturous experience for a pole dancer.

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Generally shattered and energy zapped from spending the entire day boiling alive

The hot weather drains the life out of me. Yes I know it’s good to be out there getting one’s vitamin D levels topped up, and I do love a lush, summery walk, but shit the bed after a day out and about in the heat, be it leisurely or working, I am well and truly ready for bed. I barely have the energy to fart, let alone haul my knackered arse down the to studio for some good hard training. I have done some research on this (aka I’ve spoken to about three people) and they all said they felt drained after a day in the sun too, so I can only conclude that those who feel pumped and energised during the summer are some sort of lizard.

Having to drag yourself away from the garden/park/pub garden to train

Oh bloody hell this is a tough one isn’t it?! One of the many positive things about summer is that it provides us with a dramatic increase in occasions to be social. The warmer weather and longer daylight hours have us all flocking to parks and pub gardens in hordes like the sun zombies that we all are (I want to see some real, committed hard bastards in the pub garden when it snows by the way, beer is for life not just for the summer) and when you’re nicely chilling with your pals in the heat, the thought of abandoning said pals and getting your train on is pretty much impossible, also you definitely shouldn’t pole when pissed for your own safety. Overall I definitely find it easy to get motivated to get down to the studio when it’s pouring with rain and the thought of being inside seems far more appealing.

Drinking approximately seven gallons more water than usual and consequently needing to piss throughout the class way more than usual

Christ alive this one is annoying. Due to my failing to cope properly in the summer, I go into panic mode and over-hydrate myself. Yes I hear you say that’s better than dehydrating yourself, however not when you’re pissing like a racehorse every half an hour it isn’t! Not only do I feel like I need to hop off the pole for a toilet stop all too often, but I’m also a tonne heavier in my tricks because I’m carrying a mammoth piss around in my bladder, so not ideal at all!

To those of you who live in permanently more hotter climes than the UK and train in 35 degree plus heat I salute you, you absolute bloody machines, you’re stronger than I, who turns into a boiled cabbage in anything warmer than 26 degrees. Also, if you have any top tips for training in the roasting temperatures, please drop them in the comments!

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