Remember when you were a kid and you would write those batshit crazy lists to Father Christmas? Ones that you would conjure up before you were taught the value of money and literally just thought the dude in the red suit would turn up on Christmas eve with everything you asked for, provided of course that you did all your homework and weren’t a prick to your siblings? Well, Chrome Chronicles being as serious as ever has created the pole dance equivalent of this hypothetical list. Is your ultimate pole dance wish on this list? Read on to find out…
No more fucking shadow banning!
An end to this nonsense once and for all Instagram you patriarchal little dickhead. My first fantasy Christmas wish (that badasses like Jordan Kensley, Blogger On Pole and Every Body Visible are trying to make into reality) is for all this Shadow Banning bollocks to be officially over once and for all and for the pole community to receive a decent apology from Instagram HQ! Remember the good old days when you could happily use the hashtag #sundaybumday and not one repercussion would take place? Well we want that back, and now. Personally, I think Insta should adopt good old Tom from Myspace’s rules and let us upload all manner of thotty selfies and supporting one another with a classic “pc4pc” “whore4whore” bulletin. Get on it Insta and get on it now.
Perfectly flat and comfortable splits in every direction
Oh my life isn’t this the dream?! Can you imagine just dropping into the splits both on your good and bad side and sliding down effortlessly into your middles? Well, for those of us who are part time stretchers (the once or twice at the most a week crew where my people at?) this is pretty much what we’re desperate for but lack the motivation to train often enough to get there any time soon. Therefore if pole Father Christmas could please magic up the splits in all directions and pop them in my stocking this Chrimbo, I would be a very happy dancer.
A badass fucking backbend
Same as above pretty much! I have always loved seeing super back bendy bitches on Insta busting out all manner of crazy tricks. Everything from a classic (yet I swear fucking impossible) Rainbow Marchenko to a Shrimp and the stunning closed Allegra, what can I say I just fucking love a good back bend. However, as we can can see from the point above about the old splits, I am a bit of a part time Pauline when it comes to stretching. I do stretch, but nowhere near enough to establish any serious gains, so if Santa could chuck a couple of cracking back bends down the chimney on 24th December that would be ace.
Shoulders made of Plasticine
There is no hope for my decrepit old shoulders other than to transplant all bones and tendons inside them and replace them with warm and fully loosened Plasticine. As a full time office worker for the past six years, my shoulders are about as stiff as the proudest of boners and make a tortoise look like Felix Cane. They are slowly responding to stretching and I can now on a good day muster up a Pretzel spin at best, however if I want to see any real miracles take place in the shoulder department I’m going to need old Saint Nick to perform some Plasticineplasty shit on my shoulders and pronto.
To be strong enough to throw a tank
Coar that would make all manner of dead lifts and arms only maneuvers easy wouldn’t it?! I was partaking in one of my many stalks of the awesome Lauren Red, who coined the phrase “until I’m strong enough to throw a tank, I’m not strong enough!” Well like pretty much everything Lauren does, I feel head over heels in love with that phrase and have adopted it to my own training as a very realistic strength goal. As much as my strength and conditioning training is progressing rather pleasantly and I can hold an Ayesha now for a couple of seconds (woohoo!), I am in no way capable of picking up armoured tanks with my bare hands and launching them, or doing Iron X’s or any sort of dead lift for that matter, so therefore I wouldn’t mind a hefty amount of strength for Christmas.
To be able to do everything seamlessly in ten inch Pleasers – both pole and no pole related
So, in all seriousness here I have asked for a pair of ten inch Pleasers for Christmas. I have seen how training in nine- inchers has done bloody miracles for my pole buddies, so I have taken the plunge and asked for my first pair of the big bad motherfuckers, in the hope that my strength multiplies quite literally ten fold. Well, you know how utterly badass you feel when you walk around the studio in your massive shoes, that got me thinking how epic would it be if you could complete all manner of day to day activities in massive pole shoes. Running for bus, grocery shopping, trotting about the office, you name it, cutting about permanently in your pole shoes with no physical pain or consequences would be stellar.
A lifetime supply of pole wear from your favourite brand
If any pole dancer on planet Earth says they don’t want a life time supply of pole wear from their favourite pole brand then you better take them straight to Area 51 and get ready to clap some alien cheeks because they’re not from this planet. No matter what your favourite brand is, be it Creatures of XIX, Off the Pole or my personal favourites Hoodlum Fang, it would be sweet as hell to have life time supply of the stuff. To be honest my old grey matter is struggling to comprehend such awesomeness, so it’s well worthy of a slot on the pole dance fantasy Christmas list.
The inability to sweat from your hands
Holy shitballs can you imagine the absolute fortune you would save on grip?! One of those piddly bottles of Dry Hands (Liquid Chalk can honestly get in a burning bin) is worth roughly £11.00 these days, so having permanently grippy hands would be a lovely Christmas miracle. Just imagine, no more sliding at top speed out of a carousel spin, or being too scared to bust out an Extended Butterfly for fear of slipping out and landing on your bonce! Instead you would have the sturdiest hands known to humanity, that would never fail you in your time of need.
Doris Arnold’s sex appeal- bottled
Fuck me this item should probably be at number one on the list if I’m going to be honest as I need that shit and I need it now. Doris I think has more sex appeal per square centimeter of body than anyone else on the planet combined. For those of us who haven’t yet been able to attend a Doris workshop, I think she could make a killing from bottling and distributing her unfiltered sex appeal to those of us who wouldn’t mind a hefty dose of it. Ideally in shower gel or body spray format, I predict that bottled sex appeal from the mighty Doris herself would fly at top speed off the shelves of many a pole website.
The ability to pick up anything first time
You name it, be it tricks, choreography and flow or floorwork of any ability, you would have the ability to smash it on your first go. As someone who takes at the very least a solid 5-10 attempts to roughly master whatever it is I’m trying to learn, being able to bust out all manner of complex moves first time would make me pretty Barry buzzing. I know this might take a fraction of the fun out of the whole pole dance journey, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay to sacrifice weeks and sometimes months of frustration it’s taken to finally get a move.
The pain threshold of a god damn warrior
Last but by no means least, this bitch right here would like the pain threshold of no less than a warrior when learning tricks so that the especially burny bitches never hurt ever again. You know the real arseholey, agonising fuckers that have you jumping from the pole in pain like the Dove, Jallegra, Bui Bui bend etc, well those tricks will burn about as much as a fireman spin with your new fangled pain threshold of a Viking Berserker. Shit the bed what a dream that would be to hold a perfectly flat Jallegra with zero pain whatsoever!
Well there you have it, my ultimate pole fantasy wish list to old Father Christmas. If you have any wishes you would add onto the list, drop them in the comments!