Even when you think you have experienced it all in the pole world, be it the fastest spinning combo, the scariest move, the most badass performance you ever did see, you haven’t – trust me. Something will appear one day in your pole journey that will throw what you previously knew into the nearest bin. This very occurrence happened to me last Monday, when I experienced the sheer, agonising pain that was my first Spider bastard Monkey climbover.
For years I was convinced the Superman was the most painful pole move I’ve ever done, closely followed by a Jallegra and good old fashioned Remi sit. However, I can confidently tell you all that I would rather do a solid 25 Supermen, 30 Jallegras and 50 Remi sits than two fucking torturous Spider Monkey bastards ever again. End of.
To those of you who have yet to experience this ferocious beast of a move, the Spider Monkey or “Spyda Monkey”, as I believe it was created by American dancer Spyda (@sospyda), is a Scorpio (inside leg hang) switch into a Jasmine on the same leg, so basically a reverse Holly drop. Doesn’t sound too scary right? I mean, a Scorpio and Jasmine are two pretty safe and relatively pain free moves, so one would assume the Spider Monkey will surely be a piece of piss.
First off, for years I never quite managed to master the Spider Monkey. I always kept switching my other, “free” leg onto the pole and ending up on my good side Jasmine, which may have looked correct, occasionally fooled my teacher Eloise (sorry if you’re reading this Eloise!) and obviously didn’t hurt half as much, but ultimately wasn’t the proper move. However, last Monday I legit managed to execute not one but two full and proper Spider Monkeys, although I think it would be more accurately described as the Spider Monkey executing me.
The start of the move lulled me into a false sense of security, as a standard Scorpio to Scorpio Thigh hold isn’t too bad, but shit the absolute bed switching over into the Jasmine is a whole new level of torture! I knew I had got the move nailed correctly when the sharpest and most agonising burn sensation shot right up the inner back of my left thigh and made me jump straight off the pole to safety. My leg felt like it was on fucking fire and those initial lilac and sky blue bruise markings immediately appeared on my leg. That big, fuck off bruise in the photo above was indeed a result of my second successful attempt at this move.
I am not exaggerating when I say that I legit went a bit light headed and felt nauseous after leaping off the pole and firmly to safety after doing the Spider Monkey. I am pretty certain the feeling you get when conquering this move is the same feeling when the soul leaves the body. I think a fingering from Edward Scissorhands would be less painful than a shitting Spider Monkey!
The burning (pun fully intended) questions I have for those of you who are Spider Monkey experts is does it get any less painful? Because I have been pole dancing for nearly seven years and that pain was some brutal shit that I had never felt before. Granted a Scissor sit hurt me to begin with and my pain threshold has indeed gone up as time has passed, but I don’t know if the burn from hell that comes with a Spider Monkey is ever something my body could get used to.
If you have attempted this beast of a move and not found it overly painful, or just want to rant about how unbearable it is, let me know in the comments!