One of the greatest mysteries in the world of pole dance to me is how the fuck the professionals (or anyone for that matter) manage to execute a moderately difficult pole trick without looking like they’re entering the World Gurning Championships. Like seriously, you’ve got folk like Cleo The Hurricane, Miss Filly, Michelle Shimmy (what can I say I’m a bit of an Aussie fangirl) giving the audience badass grins or eye-fucking the shit out of every audience member whilst busting out Ayesha’s, a perfectly flat Jade split or an extreme Scorpio etc etc. However when I’m trying to attempt a fiddly new trick my face has all the finesse of a gibbon fucking a basketball.
As you can see from the four smashing pictures above, I have soared from the beginning to the end of the full spectrum of pole mugshots. There’s the painful, teeth gritting expression of hell, the gurning grimace of “right I’m about to get this just one last oomph”, the exciting “ooh I think I might have got this”, which is very similar to “ooh this hurts like nothing on earth” and my personal favourite, and one that I think I have managed to perfect over the past two years, the tongue sticking out with all its might attempting to join in the damn class. I have many members of my pole family getting genuinely worried that I’m going to bite my tongue off while shoulder mounting, spinning or whenever I concentrate really hard on a move.
And then there’s the absolute marvel that is the world of strippers. Like seriously, how those badass bitches manage to successfully look sexually alluring whilst performing epic pole tricks is up there with rudimentary mathematics, parallel parking and the plot to Shutter Island in things that muddle my little brain and make my eyebrows twist in on themselves.
So yeah, if anyone out there has any useful tips or pointers for churning out a damn fine pole face while performing a cracking trick instead of looking like a horny gibbon, please drop your answer below because I am a girl in need of some help.
Thanks a million!