I have discovered the Jade split and I think I’m in love

I seem to be using this here blog as a vessel for complaining about all the new tricks I’m trying to learn and spectacularly failing at far too often. Whether it be my ongoing, wobbling crusade to conquer the Ayesha, or my perpetual quest to make the utter, utter bastard that is the Superman my bitch, I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a right moany cunt at times during my pole journey. Therefore you might want to sit down before reading the rest of this blog to avoid going into shock, as holy shitballs I have actually found a trick that I’ve fallen in love with from the get go with not a whinge or complaint to be heard – the sexy as fuck, classic Jade split!

Being a lover of all things Exotic, the Jade has always been one of my dream tricks to master. I have genuinely lost count of the amount of times I have sat oogling two of my pole idols Kitty Velour and Toxic Cherry execute fucking perfect Jades in their sparkly Pleasers, dreaming that one day I’ll be able to have a jade as flat as theirs. Therefore, when our teacher Eloise told us that we were going to learn Jades in class two week’s ago, I got a bit bloody excited I can tell you. I had practised my Duchess/Baby Jade several times now and had got the hang of it, so it was time to attempt the real McCoy.

Well, I was excited but also my pants were a tad shat, I’m not going to lie. I had been desperate to learn to Jade for years but had heard quite a few horror stories along the way that put me off. I had been told it was very pinchy (even more so than a regular trick), had seen my pole buddies slide out of it and had also been told that if you didn’t squeeze everything you have to within an inch of your life, that you would shoot out of it faster than twatty David Cameron shot out of number 10 after Brexit was declared. Besides, I have been very naughty and neglected my stretching routine in June, which would not have made for a good Jade. Overall, all these nagging self doubts had me convinced that the Jade would not come easily to me and that my dreams of having one that looked like Kitty Velour’s would remain exactly that, dreams.

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Well kindly dig out the lube and go fuck yourselves self doubts because, as you can see from the photo at the top of this post, I managed it! I couldn’t bloody believe it! After getting myself into a nice and cosy Gemini (one of my go -to favourite moves) I took a massive leap of faith, swung the hanging leg around in front of my face, engaged everything for dear life, removed my hooked leg from the pole…AND I DIDN’T PLUMMET TO MY DEATH! In fact I can honestly say that I find a full Jade more enjoyable than the Baby Jade, as I find it easier to balance with both legs extended and counter-balancing each other. I even managed to point my fucking toes!

Yes my Jade may be no where near flat just yet but it’s my Jade and I’m proud as hell of her. If anything, learning that I can get into the basic Jade position has motivated me big time to pull my finger out and get my stretch firmly on to ensure that my Jade is flat as a motherfucking pancake. Christ I have even booked on to attend the splits stretching class at my pole studio this week, something I have been procrastinating triumphantly for almost a year now!

As daft as it sounds, being able to grasp a basic Jade position has done absolute wonders for my pole mojo and getting me motivated to train like a mad cunt once again. For anyone out there who is reading this with their pole mojo in a slump, I recommend trying a new move, or fuck it, maybe even try one of your dream moves, you may very well surprise yourself like I did!


  1. Look at that Jade! 🤩 That’s fantastic chick! I’m not going to lie, I’m one of those who had a bad experience with it, but Daisy Squirrel is doing a Jade workshop this weekend and I’m determined to get over the fear! 😄


      1. Jade is great because it’s not very dangerous. If you start falling just hook your leg in a leg hang! I got a split and my jade split still is not flat yet! Definitely need an over split! Keep pushing and lots of stretches, stretch when warm. We will get this!


      2. Yep I’ve definitely busted out a few emergency Scorpios when I have felt my Jade plummeting 😂 I sadly have no pole at the moment, but have been doing all the stretches and a few floor Jades to get the Jade practice in! We will indeed get there you are right! 😍


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