Pole moves that are so fucking painful they can get in the bin

I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again and again probably for the rest of my days – pole is fucking painful. Painful right from the get go. From your very first scissor sit right up to your Jallegra, pole moves were invented to fuck your arse up big time in regard to your pain threshold. Whilst some moves do get easier as time goes on, there are a few real cunts who stand out as universally agonising arseholes throughout the pole community. Therefore, I took it upon myself to conduct a little survey with my pole pals as to what the ultimate, pain inducing pole move is. Is your painful prick on here? Find out below.

Outside knee grip – 1 vote

Ah one of the first real stingers you experience in your pole journey! Thankfully as you progress, your outside knee grip does toughen up rapidly until it resembles steel like strength and an insane ability to withstand pain, however holy shit when you first start out the old back of the knee is sore as hell. If you’ve ever forgotten just how painful it is, try busting out outside knee hang tricks on your bad side and you’ll quickly remember!

Ballerina – 1 vote

What the actual fuck is up with this trick?!Don’t get me wrong it’s stunning and looks badass but Jesus there are a plethora of bullshit pain points involved here. Due to having the shoulders of a seventy year old granny, I have spectacularly failed every attempt at getting into a Ballerina, but shit the bed did it open up an entire world of pain on the shins, shoulders and armpits, three places you really don’t want an entire world of pain opened up in.

Cuddle spin- 1 vote

Now, I don’t think I have attempted the cuddled spin (yet), so my buddies CL Raven have described it for us all instead.

It’s the same as a cradle spin except you don’t hold the pole, you wrap your arms around your tucked legs instead. It’s hideous.”

Ugh, it bloody sounds it. I, after years of conditioning, can manage a tuck spin without a t-shirt on finally, and even then it’s not up there with my favourite moves, this one just sounds like an entire universe of midriff burning pain.

Z seat – 1 vote

Again this is a move that I must confess I also haven’t attempt but coar blimey it looks like a stinger. A sturdy stinger as 4/5 points of contact on the pole keeping you nice and secure, but a stinging bitch nonetheless. Also bicep grips are not fun and games!

Dangerous Bird – 1 vote

Lol okay so my list of unattempted moves is getting quite embarrassingly long now, I promise I’ll pull up my big girl pants soon enough! Anyway, this move looks savage on the shin and nigh on impossible if you’re not moderately bendy. Its nominator says they’re not a fan of “anything where you have to hold your foot to keep your knee on,” and I for one firmly agree babe.

Trapped moves -1 vote

My uncoordinated self hasn’t got a scooby what a trapped move is, so I asked the all-knowing nominator of these moves Miss BloggerOnPole herself to clear up the mystery.

When you have to cross your arms or legs and trap one arm or leg to stay up on the pole.”

Yikes. So not only do you have to contend with the fear of plummeting to your doom should your trapped limb fail you, but also the pain of said trapped limb being squished against the pole for dear life. Nah mate. Give me a lush outside knee grip any day of the week.

Knee hold – 1 vote

I haven’t attempted a knee hold yet either but have always thought they were a classic, badass move ever since I saw Rhiannon White bust one out a few years back. However now they have officially made the list of painful pole moves that can get in the bin, my arse is very sceptical about them. Ah fuck it, I might just go another four years avoiding the pain.

Bui Bui bend aka “the Rib Crusher” – 1 vote

Oh how lovely. A move which requires you to have a rubber spine, a limited amount of vital organs and zero nerve endings in your arm pit. Oh boy this one sounds virtually pain free! No wonder it only got one vote. I can’t wait to give it a try next time I’m in the studio. Hur hur hur.

Bendy Philly – 1 vote

Now, this one is a Bendy Kate move that was voted for by another bendy Wendy pole dancer and is obviously not one I have ever attempted, so I asked her to describe it for me.

You have to balance your shin on your wrist and fold outward into a backbend split. It’s hideously ridiculously hard and painful – but so beautiful when done well!”

YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT?! Balance your shin on your wrist and fold outward into a backbend split?! Nah fuck that I think I’d rather lick my own arsehole than subject myself to that level of pain. Fair play to anyone who can bust out this stunning yet painful trick.

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Jallegra – 2 votes

Oh now shit is getting real. This move is the evil sister of the also fucking painful Allegra (who I’ll get to later in the blog), and if given half the chance will tear your soul apart Cenobite style. A hybrid of the Jade and the Allegra, this move requires you to be a splitty bitch, have semi impressive back and shoulder bends and have no ribs or kidneys. If you have all three of those attributes then you’ll smash this trick, if not then you’ll be in an entire world of hurt. I have seen those with the highest pain thresholds leap out of a Jallegra and scream. Seriously.

Teddy – 2 votes

Oh lord. I have not practised this utter fuckhead of a move in three years and I intend to maintain that boycott. I do not need that level of pinching in my armpit, waist or fucking anywhere for that matter. It’s a bit of a catch 22, this one, as I am firm supporter of a good old gash flashing spreadie in all it’s marvellous forms, however I will endeavour to pursue my spreadie quest via it’s far more pain free manoeuvrers like a Wrist Seat or Violator, not this savage bastard!

Elbow grip – 3 votes

These are fuckers! My pole buddies and I have recently been working on these as our teacher Eloise the Machine loves them. I however am not Eloise the Machine and do not love the buggers, and both my elbows have a hell of a lot of conditioning to do before they’re steely strong enough to enjoy a sturdy elbow grip. The pinch is very, very real at the moment with them I can tell you!

Lay backs – 3 votes with 2 for cross ankle

Lay backs are the Marmite of pole moves. You either love them or you hate them. Period. I would lay down and die for my beloved Cross Knee release but fuck me I remember the pain the first time I learned it. Usually in pole, you know you have a good grip going on when it fucking hurts unfortunately, and when you first learn the Cross Knee this is legit the truth. The Cross Ankle on the other hand oh heck! I think this move looks stunning but it scares the crap out of me. Also you definitely need to make sure you get an absolute motherfucker of a grip going on between your thighs- so things can get a little burny and pinchy when learning this bad boy.

Other side Scorpio/ Summer Scorpios – 3 votes

When I first began learning basic inverted moves, the Scorpio was my nemesis for months on end. Geminis, Jasmines etc I could manage relatively easily but fuck me the Scorpio was a slidey, painful nightmare. After getting the hang of it eventually, I still find it rather stingy to this day compared to other leg hangs, especially in the warm weather! Other side Scorpios though HO-LY SHIT. I am the first to admit that I do not train other side Scorpios anywhere near enough, I have heard too many banshee-esque screams from my best pole buddy Dannis over the years to put me off that shit for a very long time! In the very accurate words of Peach Lee Ray, “My other side Scorpio is like literal torture, I think it is against the Geneva Convention, the Human Rights act and the Ten Commandments.” Yes it bloody well is Peach.

Yogini – 3 votes

I have never attempted this satanic looking piece of work ever in my life and nor do I want to! Shit the bed it looks evil! How on earth do you even get into it? How does one’s armpit even survive such a burn? How vile does it feel in your waist?! Surely that’s some next level, Superman kind of pain? So many terrifying questions with more than likely equally as terrifying answers.

Libellula – 4 votes

What in the name of fuck is this madness?! Seriously I can’t even pronounce it’s bloody name – let alone do the trick! As the wise OG Jamie Taylor says its a pretty move if you have a backbend split. I just have a split so it’s an arm breaking waste of time.” Well at the moment folks I have a decent fake split and that’s about it, so the Looby-loo Lula or whatever the cursed thing is called shall not be being attempted by me. If however you have a cracking backbend split and fancy braving this beast, you’re a stronger dancer than I and should probably audition for Ninja Warrior, or the Royal Marines.

Superman – 4 votes

Oh here we fucking go. This utter utter bastard can jolly well get in the fucking bin. Probably my least favourite and most painful move of all time. I have in fact in the past written an entire blog about how much I hate the stingy little shit. No matter how many times I practice and how hard I try, my inner thighs end up being burned like mad during the death drop at the end. I am determined to crack this one one day, but Christ it is not an enjoyable process!

Remi Sit – 4 votes

The Remi sit or “shin snapper” as one of my pole pals calls it is another one of the all time classic painful fuckers. I have mastered it once or twice and only managed to avoid excruciating pain when I got a sturdy knee grip and sank my bum down as low as possible. The other several attempts however felt like the pole was trying to slice my shin and top of my foot open. I fucking love a Remi layback and Remi Bridge, but shit the bed in order to bust out those two moves I have a longer and painful road of nailing the Remi every time in the process. Bring on the bruises!

Allegra (both closed and open) – 4 votes

Oh this bastard can expel itself into a burning bin for eternity. Both the closed and open version’s of the Allegra are absolute savages in the pain department! Not only is the old inner thigh having a burn baby burn disco inferno going on as it’s squeezing into the pole for dear life, but your back has decided to join the party as the pole tries it’s very hardest to flatten your kidneys. After years of practice I can just about manage an open Allegra, and holy shit that’s painful enough, so if (no when) I’m bendy enough to bust out a closed Allegra fuck only knows what fresh circle of hell I’ll enter into there. Ugh, to the bin with you Allegra!

Armpit grip, including the Rocketman – 7 votes

Yeah fuck off.

So there you have it, a comprehensive list of the most painful pole moves. Do you have any that didn’t make the list, if so drop them in the comments!

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