The confessions of a lazy pole dancer

In an attempt to smash the rest of my 2019 pole goals, I thought I would take a good hard look in the mirror at my current pole game, face my bad habits head on and banish the motherfuckers into infinity. There are certain tricks that I have been working on now for quite some time that I’m just not quite nailing (Ayesha you bitch I am coming for you!) and I’m convinced that if I properly examined just how I trained (or lack of at the moment) and ironed out the creases, I might just be able to elevate up to the next level. So here goes, as Usher said in 2004, these are my confessions!

Outside of the pole studio – I do fuck all strength training

Fuck it, I’ll start with this big bastard. I need to up my strength game both massively and immediately. I promised myself at the start of 2019 that I would nail chin ups by training them at least three times a week on my chin up bar and so far, that training regime has turned into training them once in a blue moon. I’m convinced that if I could do at least three chin ups in a row, my Ayesha would be a sturdy, formidable beast instead of the wobbling trifle that it currently is. I have never really trained weights and don’t have the time to join a gym, so getting my callisthenics on with my trusty chin up bar will have to do until I finally get a pole for my house (more on that story later).

I do not stretch as much as I should

Oh the old Foxen vs Flexibility quest! Although readers you will be happy to know that shit is actually happening on this front. Basically I had neglected my stretch routine for just under four weeks, so I bravely bit the bullet and now attend the weekly splits class at the studio after my regular pole class. The drive home afterwards is fucking painful and my hip flexors are always screaming the song of their people at me but no pain no gain! Also I’m a runner, which is fantastic for my mental health but fucks my flexibility up good and proper, so once a week isn’t enough for me to be stretching really if I want to see some significant improvement. I’m not going to bullshit you all and announce that I’m embarking on some big old daily stretching quest, so instead I’m going to keep it realistic and commit to stretching twice a week for at least a month. Once that becomes second nature then I’ll bump it up for three times, but until then, twice it is!

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I am a bloody great wimp on the pain front

I will hold my hands up and admit that I am not one of these hardcore motherfuckers who embraces the pain with pole! I’m a screamer, wailer, whatever you want to call it and will often convince myself I won’t be able to handle the pain of a move before I have even attempted it, which for a moderately tattooed woman is pretty embarrassing. This one is a case of mind over matter and therefore if I can sit for four hours and have a tattoo done, I can grow some ovaries and learn to handle the big bastard painful tricks.

I still, after four years of pole dancing, haven’t bought a pole for my house

Woman what the fuck have you been playing at?! Seriously four years and you still haven’t bought a pole for your house!? As the Scottish woman once said to her kid after they didn’t flush the toilet after they had shit, DISGUSTING! I have found excuse after excuse to not buy a pole, debating about where I would be able to put it, how the hell I would put it up (I am somewhat lacking in the manual dexterity department) the classic “I don’t think I can afford it this month” yet going on at least four nights out and buying lunch twice a week for an entire month. WELL ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE! If I had my own pole at home I’m convinced I would exponentially up my game, as squeezing in even 30 mins extra of pole a couple of times a week all adds up after all! You’ll be happy to know readers that I have had a nosey on X Pole and selected the one I want, so I shall be saving up the 200 big ones like a good egg ready to get my very own pole!

I don’t prioritise practising like I should

Following on nicely from the issue of not having my own pole, I definitely don’t think I prioritise practising as much as I should do. My social life will often take priority over good hard training, especially in the summer months, when the pub garden is calling, and often on a Sunday my hungover self is often too weak to even drag myself off the sofa, let alone to the studio. Well this madness needs to have a stop put to it. If weekend practice sessions are an impossibility, then I shall start to regularly attend a local studio’s Wednesday lunchtime practice sessions instead.
Getting at least once a week practice in is a must if my pole game needs upping, so it’s time to get on it.

So there they were, the confessions of a lazy pole dancer. What are your bad pole dance habits?