Before I start this ranty blog I just want to throw a disclaimer out there (in case you think quite the opposite is true after reading this) that of course, I love pole dance. I have been a pole dancer now for over four years, had this little blog going strong for over two and I sure as shit wouldn’t be doing either of those things if pole wasn’t for me. Fuck me though since beginning my pole dance quest, I have got absolutely, fumingly annoyed by things that regular, muggle folk wouldn’t have the foggiest idea would annoy a person – as I’m sure you have too! Therefore I thought I would list said annoyances for you all, to see whether they’re as irritating as I think they are, or if I just need to chill (to be honest it’s probably the latter)
Running out of grip- especially Dry Hands!
Oh fucking hells bells is there anything worse?! You head off to class, bag packed with your Pleasers, Knee Pads and various pole essentials. Arrive, get warmed up nicely and raring to go, only to discover that your grip aid has died a most inconvenient death. The moment disaster has struck you can already feel your palms sweating at the thought of having to brave an entire class without it. You don’t want to be that student who is on a perpetual quest to use everyone else’s Dry Hands apart from their own (more on that Goblin later), so instead you try and survive without it.
You tit! Of course you didn’t stand a chance without the chalky saviour itself. The next hour is spent in a slipping, frustrated mess as you try and survive the class on determination alone. As the lesson draws to a close you head home and online to order at least 20 bottles immediately.
The Dry Hands goblins* stealing your stash
Now, this is going to make me sound like a proper cunt here but please hear me out. I have no problems with sharing my Dry Hands and Hydro grip with my classmates during their time of need, however when some cheeky fucker keeps pinching the stuff at any given opportunity I get pissed. Away with you Karen, you Dry Hands fiend! Do you think I milk the stuff from my bosoms and have an unlimited supply like some sort of Dry Hands cow?! NO! I pay for this shit like everyone else does, so piss off and stop harvesting gallons of the stuff in your hands!
*I am very well aware in case any of my pole buddies are reading this that I have been a definite Dry Hands goblin myself in the past.
Losing your fucking knee pads
I am currently in this predicament right now and let me tell you it’s not a nice place to be in. How the bloody hell am I going to enjoy my Exotic class on Friday without any bastard knee pads?! I do not have the knees for those sorts of antics! I could only dream of having knees of iron that could take a damn good pounding (giggity) and walk away with the faintest of bruises, instead I have delicate knees that practically scream at me if dare to bust out floor work without protecting them properly. Last month my homie Dannis came to my rescue and leant me a pair of hers for the Sarah Blackmilk workshop we attended, otherwise holy shit my knees may well have disintegrated. Basically, losing ones knee pads is a colossal pain in the arse.
Being the last person in the class to get a move
Ugh. I swear this is my very existence some months, especially when stuck in the dreaded pole plateau. Your teacher busts out a new move or combo, all your class mates are completely bossing it and you’re convinced they’re channelling their own inner Felix Cane. Meanwhile, there you stand in the corner, struggling to grasp the move, falling out of it spectacularly and feel as though you’re channelling a drunk snail instead. If you’re reading this and relating to it, I promise you that you’ll get there eventually (slow and steady wins the race and all that), but fuck me it feels like it takes forever.
Having to encounter a bastard nemesis move
Oh Christ why?! Don’t get me wrong practising and practising your nemesis moves will greatly increase your chances of conquering the motherfuckers, but knowing that one of the rotters is about to stare you dead in the face and make a mockery out of you for the next 45 minutes or so is never a joyful feeling. It will however be voided by the feeling of utter badassery that you get when the move is conquered, but knowing how much of a battle you have on your hand can give you an overwhelming sense of temporary, mood crushing doom.
Your period making you weak and sensitive
Now, I have written an entire blog about this painful factor and how irritating it is previously, so I won’t waffle on again too much about it here- no matter how much my period fucks up my training. Just know that this one is firmly on the list!
Painful fucking warm ups/conditioning
Okay, this is legit me being a massive wimp here but holy shit painful warm ups get the better of me! I fully understand how vital a thorough and decent warm up is and I actually rather enjoy an aerobics focused, cardio warm up that has me puffing away like a steam train by the end of it, but those bastard warm ups that involve all manner of squats, pulsing and painful stretching business can curl up and get in the bin. I’m not a fan of all that pain malarkey, especially when you need to repeat it ten times! I honestly think I would rather do 20 Supermans than 10 pulsing squats of evil. Conditioning is 10/10 not for me.
What about trivial things about pole dancing get your goat? Let me know in the comments!
Spinny pole!! I love it, but why does it always either go so fast that I feel like I’m stuck on an out of control Catherine wheel, or so slow that it stops the second I manage to do one move on it. Meanwhile everyone else manages to do incredibly long and graceful combos on it without ever either freaking out because it’s too fast, or having to ask someone to push them like a child in a swing. Sigh.