It occurred to me recently that despite having been a pole dancer now for over four and a half years, I hadn’t created a proper pole dance bucket list. I had concluded that this was some grade A bullshit and therefore as I was cooking tea on Saturday night, I created the ultimate bucket list for my own pole dance journey.
To be honest, if I worked hard enough the majority of the shit on this bucket list would be pretty achievable, and some folk reading this list have probably completed it within four years of pole already (hell, there’s no shame in my tortoisey game!), but I’m a pretty realistic lass, so putting shit like a Rainbow Marchenko or a Spatchcock on this list would be a bit bloody silly if you ask me. Anyway I digress, here is my ultimate pole bucket list!
Splits – front on both sides and middles
Splits you painful, elusive bastards this bitch is coming for you! I don’t need to bore you all again with details of my flexibility quest so all I’ll say is it’s happening and I’m determined to get both sides splits on a comfortable touchdown and my middles. In all honesty I’m not that fussed about having a four foot high over split, just a touchdown on all sides that is not excruciatingly painful would be cool.
Oh fuck me sideways I love this move to absolute death but it doesn’t (yet) love me. In my daydreams I can bust out cracking Ayeshas in heels with wavey legs and everything, however in reality that is quite a different story. Still, hard work pays off and all that shite, and seeing as the Ayesha has been one of my all time favourite moves ever since I began pole dancing many moons ago, I shall keep on drilling the beast until I have it perfectly tamed.
A perfectly flat Jade
I don’t think there is a pole dancer on this planet who didn’t have nailing a flat as fuck Jade on their pole bucket list at one point. It’s no secret that I bloody love a Jade, and can bust one out (giggity), however my Jade currently looks like I’m trying to tell the time of ten to two with my legs as opposed to a nice, ruler flat quarter to three. I’ve just realised that nailing a flat Jade is pretty much part and parcel with item one of sorting my damn splits out, so all being well my legs will be at a fab quarter to three position soon!
Sodding shithouse Superman
Ugh. This trick and all it’s hip swiveling, pain inducing utter bastardness is not my friend. I don’t like it and it doesn’t like me, but I have never been one to shy away from a challenge so I am hell bent on being able to consistently Superman on command so that I can officially declare myself the winner of the three years (and counting) Eilish vs Superman war. Stupid cunt of a trick really can get in the bin.
Aerial Shoulder Mount and Shoulder Mount in heels
Fuck it I’m going to throw a mildly controversial statement out there and say that I bloody love a Shoulder Mount. It’s one of the few moves I can confidently do on both sides and I think they look cool as hell too. I had unfortunately lost both my Aerial Shoulder Mount and Shoulder Mount in heels but they are returning – in fact I managed to just about get my shoulder mount in heels back on Sunday evening. Woohoo! I love all manner of shoulder mount tricks and variations, especially all the exotic ones with plenty of heel bangs and clacks, so mastering all the levels of sexy shoulder mount complexity is a must for me.
Head to the toes in a Cobra
Ah yes another bendy quest. It’s no big secret that my back and shoulders are about as flexible as a fucking lamp post and are the most reluctant body part to open up as part of my stretching quest, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get the buggers to open up eventually and get a lush back bend on the go, which would make my life as a pole dancer exponentially easier!
Get through to the finals in one of my bucket list competitions
Coar this is a big one! One of these days I’ll get through to the finals in a bucket list competition if it’s the last thing I bloody do. Yes when I get through to the finals my knickers will probably rapidly fill up with all manner of excrement, I’ll break myself into at least 17 different pieces training for the comp and be a walking ball of stress and anxiety until at least a week after it’s over but at least I’ll be able to have my moment in the spotlight up on some of my favourite stages in the pole world. Although after that realisation as to how I’ll be shaking like a shitting dog leading up to the competition, I may have just talked myself out of that bucket list entry.
Perform at the Filthy Friday showcase
For those of you who are unaware of the awesomeness that is Filthy Friday, it’s basically a showcase where a bunch of badass exotic pole dancers get together and create a show like no other. I have stalked many a performance from the Filthy Friday showcase in my day and holy shitballs they are hot! Just to add to my excitement, my home girl Patricia the Tease told me how the atmosphere at a Filthy Friday showcase is insane, so even if I don’t perform in one just yet, I’ll definitely be attending one to soak up the atmosphere and hopefully get deafened from all the whooping and heel banging.
My beloved OG pole crush from back when I was a baby pole dancer in 2015. Cleo was the first dancer I had ever seen bust out epic pole dance performances to some of my favourite music. Fuck me her Miss Pole Dance Australia 2012 performance to Motley Crue still never fails to lift my mood and inspire me whenever I watch it. Hell I love her so much I jumped for joy when I got her awesome but agonisingly painful Rockin’ Legs N Abs DVD several Christmases ago (more on that painful fucker later). Overall I think I may very well end up a puddle of a woman if I ever had the honour of meeting Cleo, but Christ on a bike I am ready for it.
Meet any of my idols I regularly stalk and try not to make too much of a wally out of myself
The amount of incredible dancers I stalk on the daily is increasing rapidly, so it goes without saying that meeting a few of them one day and full on fan girling myself into an early grave is petty high up there on the old pole dance bucket list. I’m already attending a motherfucking Jordan Kensley workshop at Pole World festival on Saturday and am internally squeeing at a very high volume at the thought of being taught by her. Jordan is up there as one of my all time favourite dancers, so if I survive meeting her and don’t keel over and have a heart attack on the spot I promise to tell you all about it.
Complete Cleo’s Rockin’ Legs N Abs fully
Oh this damned DVD! Has anyone out there completed it in it’s entirety to the same standard as Cleo and her two athletes in the background and lived to tell the tale?! If you have completed it you utter tank please make yourself known! I think I have attempted this workout about three times in three years and every time ended in a disaster. “How does one survive what feels like hours of leg circle hell?” “Cleo woman I love you to death but my leg does not go up and lay next to my ear!” And “Can someone call 999 because right now I am a sweating, quivering mess on the floor” are just some of the statements I have uttered during and after a Rockin’ Legs N Abs session. Lord there is a reason that woman is a world renowned pole dance champion and it’s obvious just by watching her workout DVD.
Get into a bloody advanced class
I promise you this now dear readers, if this bitch right here ever graduates up from Intermediate Level 2 into the Advanced class I am throwing a fucking party with unlimited booze, strippers and a buffet to end all buffets. For those of you who are unaware of the story behind this saga, basically I have been an Intermediate student now for three years and whilst I have been putting the work in recently and getting stronger, I am still not quite advanced level ready. I’ll be damned if I don’t get there one day, so for now, I am parking graduating up to advanced firmly on my bucket list.
Well there it is, my pole dance bucket list (for now). If you have any specific goals that are on your pole bucket list, drop them in the comments below!