The Pissing Pole Plateau

I swear the pole plateau is 10/10 the most annoying fucking thing you experience as a pole dancer. In real life, the plateau is more annoying than getting a less than pleasurable song stuck in your head for hours on end, more annoying than when your tit decides to randomly itch like hell in the middle of an important meeting and yes, even more annoying than when your arsehole of a co-worker has eaten your snacks you left in the fridge. The dreaded plateau is literally Satan.

For those of you who are reading this and am not quite sure what in tarnation I’m rambling on about (shit the bed, you have no idea how lucky you are), the plateau is a dreaded destination you reach at some point along your pole journey where for some unknown reason, you feel like you’re just not getting any better. FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE FUCKING AGES!

The plateau can be a right shitty, demotivating and disheartening place to be. I hit my first plateau during April 2016 when I first went up into Intermediate class, and sat at said plateau for four, agonisingly long months. Watching your pole pals smash new tricks and have badass progress pics to upload to Instagram whilst you’re sat there feeling like Pauline the plateau-y potato and fall out of every trick you attempt can really piss you off big time. It took me months to be able to confidently execute tricks in Intermediate class, and the crash mats stayed firmly out for a long time after the plateau had finished I can tell you.

Sometimes, plateaus can really try and fuck with you and only happen for one bastard trick. All the other spins, floorwork and tricks that you’re learning you appear to be picking up fine and dandy, but that one bastard just won’t quit. I find laybacks and the arsehole Superman are two of the worst for these. I have made weency progress on my Superman in the past year, but I am still a long way from seamlessly executing a Superman in a routine, that’s but a mere fantasy in my plateaued little noggin!

What’s probably the cuntiest thing about the plateau however is that there’s just no telling when the bastard will end! Having experienced a good few plateau’s (I think I’m currently in my third one right now) I can provide some reassurance in that they do pass eventually. Yes they may pass like a colossal shit after a Vindaloo, burning your very soul from the inside out and leaving you close to tears, but they do pass. I have recently seen some of my pole family smashing tricks that have taken them a year to nail, such as Handsprings, flawless Gemini to Thigh Hold combos and nailing their Shoulder Mounts, so trust me and my pole family here, the plateau of doom will end. However when it decides to pack its bags and fuck off back to the seventh circle of hell where it belongs I struggle to predict. At the moment, and as previously moaned about, I feel as though my concrete-esque flexibility levels are holding me back, and am hoping and praying to the pole deities that my at-home stretching sessions actually makes some form of difference and helps me to progress, otherwise I’ll be having an almighty sulk and bashing my hip flexors with a hammer.

Well shit, this one has turned into a bit of a miserable old rant, sorry about that. I suppose we all need a bit of a moan sometimes! If you’re currently sat in the midst of a fucker of a plateau and fancy a good rant, or alternatively if you have any cracking tips for hoisting yourself out said plateau of doom, please hit up the comments section!