2019’s Pole Goals review – did I smash it or fuck it?

Fucking A my lovely readers, we have (practically) made it to the end of 2019 and smashed another year of pole dancing adventures. Go us! After a casual Sunday afternoon stroll pondering what to blog about this week, my husband reminded me that now would probably be a good time to revisist my 2019 pole goals list to see how my attempt at smashing them out of the park went.

You may remember that last year, I graded my pole goals on the classic “smashed it or fucked it” scale; if I managed to annihilate a specific goal, it got the “smashed it” verdict, however if a goal managed to annihilate me, it got regrettably rewarded with “fucked it”, or somewhere between the two if some form of progress was made.

So, how did I get on in 2019, were things smashed out of the park or did they get fucked right off? Let’s find out…

Consistently conquer the absolute fuckhouses that are the Superman, Allegra, Stag and the biggest bastard of them all the Reverse Grab

Ah, now we are starting the list with one is split completely down the middle. I can finally manage to achieve a basic, open Allegra every time with not too much pain involved too (yeah boi!) and can bust out reverse grabs relatively easily, but that utter cunt the Superman still evades me and I don’t think I’ve properly practiced the Stag once this year, ah shit. I am however upping my game on the Superman front, and have added acquiring a Superman consistently as part of my conditioning exercises at the begining of each practice session. So far, I have almost got it again going from a flatline and a side v, so I’m hoping (probably rather naively) that I’m almost there on that goal.

As for the Stag, that is going to require a lot of effort on mobilising up my old stiff shoulders, but I better get on it and get on it pronto if my dreams of ever busting out a sexy stag are going to fully manifest. I shall keep you all updated on that one as standard, but don’t expect any speedy progression any time soon. Fuck me that’s not a good example of positive thinking now is it.

Verdict: Semi smashed, semi fucked.

A rotten bastard table-top kick up

Lol, I don’t think this rotten bastard ever got practiced once in 2019 either, this list is not off to the best of starts! I think I got too caught up in training routines, drilling class combos and just trying out the cool new tricks that we learned in class that this infuriating fucker got pushed (unintentionally I swear!) right to the bottom of the practice pile. Oh well, it looks as though table-top kick ups are going to make a repeat appearance on 2020’s pole goals list, I am determined not to let the buggers get the better of me one of these days!

Verdict:fucked it.

Shoulder mount in heels – both sides!

Wahey this is a bit more like it I actually managed this one. I can now repeatedly shoulder mount in heels on my good side and if I remember rightly I think I can now occasionally manage it on my bad side too. If there’s one thing I’m chuffed to bits about in 2019 it’s that I have noticed a significant improvement in my strength on the old pole (giggity). My flexibility still has a long way to go, but my strength (and pain threshold come to think of it) is really starting to gather momentum. Wooo as Rick Flair would say!

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Verdict: Practically smashed it.

Aerial shoulder mount on my good side

Oh this elusive little prick! I just about managed my aerial shoulder mount by the skin of my teeth back in April, but alas I have lost it again. However, in light of said previously mentioned strength increase, I have been adding this covetted move to my conditioning at the start of each practice session. If I’m going to toot my own horn, I have managed to get my invert, aerial invert and shoulder mount after years of practice, so I don’t see how busting out an aerial shoulder mount will be any different, just got to committ to putting the work in.

Verdict: within smashing distance!

Aerial invert on my bad side

Boom, this bad boy was achieved. Don’t get me wrong my aerial invert on my bad side still needs a lot of tidying up (as does the one on my good side if I’m going to be completely honest) but I can bust one out on a pretty regular basis. I can also bust out an aerial invert pretty regularly in my heels! Time to spend 2020 focusing on neatening up my aerial inverts so they look as smooth as Jason Momoa’s tidy backside.

Verdict: smashed it!

Train one type of handstand every week

Erm, well. I have made it no secret over the years that handstands are categorically not my forte. I so desperately wish that they were but the old handstand fear is definitely embedded deep within my brain. If only I had begged my parents to march me to gymnastics classes as a kid! Still, there is no point in dwelling on the past and the handstand fear is one that I am very, very slowly conquering. I gave handstand February a good go this year and even attempted some new, riskier (by my standards anyway) handstands with the help of the OG pole sister Reggie. Whilst I may still be some distance away from being able to kick up into a sturdy and secure wall handstand, I can now execute a pretty solid Butterfly handstand. It may not sound like much, but Butterfly handstands used to scare the living shit out of me in my first Intermediate classes three years ago, and little victories are still victories after all.

Verdict: fucked it but made some progress.

Stretch twice a week

Well, this goal started off well but sadly fizzled out as the year progressed. Stretching twice a week turned into stretching once a week as wedding planning, the admin that followed being a married woman, job hunting and now getting properly organised for Christmas have taken over my life and have made for stretching regularly very difficult. Well no more fuckhouse excuses in 2020! I have no more college courses to do thank the goddess of Felix herself (that was my 2016-2018 excuse), no more wedding to plan (2019 excuse) so I can officially dedicate 2020 to the yoga mat, blocks, foam roller and committ to getting proper fucking bendy. Come on Foxen’s flexibility, 2020 is going to be your year!

Verdict: better than 2018 but still a bit fucked.

Pole practice once a week

You know what I’m actually going to give myself another pat on the back here because I pretty much achieved this one. Yes there were the odd few weeks of 2019 where a pole practice didn’t happen, but especially in the run up to the English Riveria Pole Championships, two practice sessions were squeezed in, so that pretty much evens the score out. Yes in an ideal world I would train way more than once a week, but that’s another aim for 2020 and another goal met for 2019, yay!

Verdict: smashed it.

(If all goes hugely well) an Ayesha!

Well shit the bed and call me Barry I only went and bloody managed this mammoth fucking pole goal! I am still in shock that I can Ayesha, and yes it’s another trick that is still a bit hit and miss depending on how my body is feeling, but it’s definitely more of a hit these days and one that is getting stronger with every attempt, not bad considering back in August last year I was making an absolute pigs ear of the move and even in April of this year Reggie and I were still heavily spotting each other over crashmats in our valiant Ayesha attempts.

Verdict: smashed it.

So what were your pole goals for 2019 and did you fuck the bastards off or smash them out of the park? Feel free to drop them in the comments!

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